Rose Reviews: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
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I’ll admit - I was influenced by the algorithm to pick up this book.
Mel Robbins has cropped up on my feed over the last year or two, highly recognisable with her sharp blonde hair, heavy-rimmed glasses, no-nonsense American voice and punchy motivational quips. She’d recently brought out a new book called the ‘Let Them Theory’. I was seeing the theory being referenced by loads of others online. ‘Let them’ is such a simple, quotable epithet. Why has it become so popular? How has Mel managed to draw out such a simple concept into a full-length book and laugh all the way to the bank?
Well, she got me. I decided to actually read the book.
The ‘Let Them Theory’ is not really a theory - it’s a distilling of well-known Buddhist/Stoic teachings into an easy-to-digest format (and a catchy phrase you can say to yourself when someone’s pissed you off). It’s not breaking any new ground, though sometimes the way Mel writes makes it sound like it is. I’ve seen people comment that her writing - and way of speaking on talk shows - can come across as slightly aggressive and condescending, which I agree with. Others critique the theory for being overly simplistic and lacking nuance, which I also agree with. But all that being said, I did enjoy and take more from this book than I was expecting to.
‘Let them’ and, importantly, ‘let me’
Essentially, the theory is a reframe of locus of control - thinking about what is within our control and what isn’t. Pretty much everything in life is outside of our control apart from our own behaviour and reactions, and this is what Mel talks about. She focusses on the fact we can’t control what other people do or think. Life happens, people do what they want and will only change for themselves (let them). But the real power is in the second component of the theory - ‘let me’. If a friend blows you off, let them - but let me buy myself flowers on the way home. Let me text a different friend to get coffee. Let me feel sad and hurt about it for a few hours until the feeling passes. Let me focus on the only thing I can control - my own response.
This shifting of focus is something I’ve been thinking about over the last few years, particularly in the context of relationships. I’ve called it ‘leaning out’ - when we lean in or try to manipulate/exert control over someone’s behaviour, it pushes them away and undermines our own self-trust. When we lean out and focus that energy we were spending on (judging) other people on ourselves, our relationships and life satisfaction improves. What I or Mel are describing is hardly a novel concept. BUT the way Mel conceptualises it works well in the moment - I’ve found myself pissed off and muttering ‘let them/let me’ multiple times since reading this book.
What I didn’t expect from this book were the multiple excerpts from Mel’s life used to contextualise the theory. I’ve read reviews which complain these excerpts felt like self-indulgent tangents, but I disagree. I liked that Mel got vulnerable in this book. She recounts how she was in crippling debt, built a business through 15 years’ worth of grafting, was horribly jealous of friends at points in her life, and struggled with moving to a new city in her fifties. I enjoyed reading about this - it humanised Mel, and took the edge off the superior way she speaks throughout a lot of this book.
The 3 Pillars of Friendship
I also didn’t expect so much of this book to focus on relationships. But then, so much of our lives are directly influenced and impacted by other people, so it makes sense. Mel talks about how relationships are always shifting and evolving, particularly as we move through life stages, and that can be hard. Honestly, this whole section felt very relevant to me (thirties, hello).
The ‘3 pillars’ model that Mel introduces in this book aims, I think, to help us to take things less personally when friendships shift and change. She says that friendship is a balance of 3 things, which often flux throughout life:
TIMING – are you in a similar phase of life or in similar circumstances at the moment?
PROXIMITY – how physically close are you/how easy is it to see each other?
ENERGY – how much effort are you willing to put in right now? How much capacity do you have? How highly do you prioritise this friendship? When you interact, is the energy positive or is it draining?
These things flux throughout life. Energy and effort can address lack of proximity (for example, weekly voice notes can make you feel closer to a friend who lives abroad). If people move into a different phase of life (timing) or re-prioritise their energy, it’s easy for friendships to fall away without it being anybody’s ‘fault’. On a positive note, it also means that friendships can come back, even if you’ve drifted apart. I like this model and have found it helpful to frame situations in this way and not feel so bad about it. They’ve reprioritised their friendships? Let them, I guess. What else are you going to do?
The ABC Loop
Another nugget from this book that stands out is the ABC Loop. Mel talks about how you can’t make someone change - they have to choose the change themselves, and pressuring them is our own attempt to gain control and feel safe. Pressuring someone will instinctively make them resist. Mel suggests to instead focus on the power of positive influence. For example, if your partner won’t exercise and you’re worried about their health, you can’t force them to take care of themselves. However, if you start exercising, eating healthily and show positive results, they’re more likely to be influenced and choose the change themselves. The ABC bit refers to:
A – APOLOGISE for pressuring/judging them and ask open questions about how they feel about the situation.
B – BACK OFF and observe their behaviour.
C – COMMIT TO and model the change yourself.
Mel caveats that doing this can take at least 6 months to have any effect at all, and if there’s no change after 6 months to a year, you’ll have to take more drastic action (either radical acceptance or ending the relationship/cutting someone off, etc). She says that all her theories and models are backed by proven neuroscience, and I do believe this ABC/influence thing works. However, I agree with some of the critique here that this model could be seen as a manipulation tactic to getting people to do what you want. It also ignores the nuance and complexity baked into everyday life and relationships. In my view it’s a useful concept to have in the back of mind, rather than a blunt tool to use against someone you love.
Do I recommend this book?
Overall, yes, I recommend it. It’s an easy read that packages up fairly deep and spiritual concepts into easily-actionable steps (which is what Mel proclaims she’s best at). I enjoyed reading about Mel’s journey and have even used the epithet in daily life, as catchy as it is. It definitely lacks nuance and could be construed as overly permissive (‘let them’ do anything they want), but saves itself with the ‘let me’ component (setting boundaries and remaining centred). While overhyped, I do think Mel’s done a good job here.
Touché, Mel Robbins. Touché.
