Rose Reviews: The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri

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This review is about to get a little personal.

When I was younger, I assumed I’d be married and have kids at some point in my thirties (which, until recently, felt like a very distant point in the future). I never dreamt about marriage and kids. I always had an aversion to romance movies, babies and ‘mummy’ culture. I never felt particularly maternal, especially when compared to my friends growing up who liked Barbies and dolls (I was more into animals and dinosaurs). As I’ve gotten older, I’ve wondered if these things indicate some kind of internalised misogyny and pick-me-ism, if it’s just my personality, or a combination of both.

Anyway, I put off the thought of kids for many years, deferring the idea with a “yeah, probably, later”. My partner really wants kids and has been clear about that from the beginning. I knew I leant towards kids, so I didn’t see that as a dealbreaker or a particular issue. But at the same time, I kept kicking the practical conversations about kids down the road. I was too focussed on my career, where I wanted to live, what I wanted out of life to think all that much about marriage and kids, given that I’d never viewed those things as a ‘goal’ until that point. As I approached my late twenties, the friends I did know who had young children seemed to be having a rough time of it. So rough, in fact, that I started to question if I actually wanted kids after all, or if I was just assuming I did.

My partner and I got engaged, which, at 29, lit the fire under my arse to confront this head-on. I’d spent too long avoiding a critical (and potentially deal-breaking) facet of mine and my relationship’s future. I realised I had avoidance around the topic of kids. It was time to figure that shit out, for both mine and my partner’s sakes.

The thing was, I wasn’t like some other friends I have who are very adamant they never want kids. I felt in between, sitting on the fence, without a particularly strong pull either way. Having kids is one of those decisions in life that are pretty binary (if you’re lucky enough to choose). It’s also a choice made entirely of unknowns. It’s a dice roll. And as someone with anxious tendencies, that kind of uncertainty – as well as the limbo of indecision – are hard to tolerate.

So I picked up Merle Bombardieri’s book. It had been touted in various ‘fencesitter’ forums as a great resource for getting clarity on whether you want to have kids or live the childfree choice, especially if you perch in between, like me. And I sure wasn’t disappointed.

Off the bat, I will say that this book is very balanced. I became aware after reading the book that the author herself was a fencesitter (I quite like this phrase so I’ll continue to use it) and she decided to have two kids, in part because her husband really wanted them. In her words, her decision “worked out well for us”. Still, I didn’t feel like there was an agenda with this book. The discussions and exercise Merle walks you through don’t lead you towards any particular choice, but rather help identify and peel back layers of fear so that you can access intuition about which choice is right for you.

Ambivalence is normal

Above all else, I found it very comforting to see through the book that ambivalence (or mixed feelings) on this topic is actually pretty normal. It’s not readily talked about because it’s so deeply personal. As I’ve talked about before, social media fuels black and white thinking - “if it’s not 100% yes to kids, it’s a no”. I hear that all the time. It lacks a crazy amount of nuance and real life perspective. How can anyone be 100% sure on any decision they’ve ever made? Especially one with stakes like the baby decision?

Even now, it seems like society views women who don’t have kids as ‘alternative’ in some way, and people who have regrets about children as bad parents or as having made some kind of glaring error. But there’s a lot of nuance in between that. This book is a safe haven for that nuance. In that way, I found it really comforting.

The book talks about how the reason people ‘sit on the fence’ is that they view both choices (having kids or being childfree) as good options. There’s joy to be found in both. But as Merle points out, there’s regret to be had in both choices too. Whatever choice we make, we won’t be free of regret or suffering, nor will we be denied joy. It’s less about making the ‘right’ choice and more about making an intentional one.

The illusion of the ‘right’ choice

So once you take the perfectionistic need to make the ‘right’ choice away, you’re left with a more intuitive decision. The thing is, fear and anxiety cloud intuition. For a lot of people on the fence, the fears outweigh the potential positives. After all, it’s a lot easier to imagine the hard bits, because we’ve all experienced them before – tiredness, illness, stress, we’ve all been there. But we haven’t experienced the positive aspects of parenthood before, so those are much harder to imagine. Other people are more likely to vent to you about their struggles with parenthood because they know you can relate in some way, and it’s cathartic. People don’t vent to you about all the positive bits, because they’re much more emotional and harder to define. Plus, people would probably think you were insufferable.

Let’s be real though - for most women, there are a number of very reasonable fears about the impact of having kids on their health, mental health, career and relationships. Nowadays, women have options. We don’t need to be at home raising the kids if we don’t want to, though a lot of us have to work regardless because a family can’t survive on one income. We have higher expectations for our lives now. We want a nice home. We want freedom to travel. We want community. We want it all, but we can’t have it all - at least not at the same time. Parenthood means sacrifice. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be ready for it. A lot of women have this inner conflict. There may not be a ‘right’ choice, but for many, making a choice at all is hard. Birth rates are falling all over the world for a reason - mainly in Western countries where life is expensive and cultures are becoming increasingly individualistic.

‘Growth’ decisions vs. ‘safety’ decisions

The baby decision isn’t a logical choice. If you make a list of pros and cons, you’ll always land on not having kids. Kids make your life practically more difficult and stressful. It has to be an intuitive decision above all else – something that brings you closer to the person you want to be.

Merle talks about ‘growth’ decisions being decisions that, yep, help us expand and grow as people, that add depth to our lives. ‘Safety’ decisions are the opposite. They minimise change and reduce risk, thereby keeping us safe – but stuck.    

Figuring out what your intuition is telling you

There were a couple of exercises in this book that really stood out to me.

1.        The rocking chair exercise – this is where you imagine yourself at the end of your life. What moments stand out to you? What feels most important when you look back on your life? What would you regret not doing?

2.        The debate exercise – get two chairs and put them facing each other. One represents your childfree part and the other represents your parent part. When you sit in the chair, you embody that part. Now have a discussion about the baby decision – pay attention to which voice is calmer and more assured, and what they have to say to each other.

3.        ‘Cosplaying’ a decision – for 24 hours, pretend you’ve made a definite decision to be childfree. Then, pretend you’ve made a decision to have a baby. Or vice versa. How do both of those decisions feel? Which feels more comfortable?

These exercises helped me realise that I actually did want a child. I say child, because this book also presented having one child as a totally valid (and sometimes good) option for people who are on the fence about kids. You may change your mind later down the line, but it’s less overwhelming to make one baby decision at a time (no one really knows for sure how many kids they want until they’ve experienced parenthood). I will caveat and say that I have the privilege of being financially stable enough - at the moment - to afford a child if I were to get pregnant tomorrow. Practical considerations have a big impact on the baby decision.

Overall I’m about 60% yes on kids, and that probably won’t change. I could see myself being childfree. I don’t think I want parenthood enough to do it as a single mother by choice or bankrupt myself on IVF. But I want to grow as a person. I want to experience the love of a child. Most of all, I think, I want to build a family unit with my partner, who I know would be a great dad.

When I cosplayed the baby decision, deciding to (try to) have a child in a few years’ time felt right. That doesn’t mean I don’t worry about the reality (what if it ruins my life, health and relationship?) and that my feelings won’t shift in the future. But having done the exercises in this book, which helped me to see that my intuition was telling me, I’m hoping I’m going into this with a much more solid foundation.

Honestly, making a decision either way has lifted a weight off. I have Merle Bombardieri (and the good people on the Fencesitter subreddit) to thank for that.