If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do next?
In 2023, I started my long-winded journey to become a certified coach, and eventually (/hopefully) psychotherapist.
At that time, I was feeling even more ‘lost’ than I am now. TLDR: I was finding my feet in my relationship, working a dull governance job, and had just been offered a teaching job in France which would upend my life. I was at a crossroads.
What do you do when this happens? Of course, you contact a life coach.
If I’m honest, I didn’t really know much about it. It sounded less intensive than therapy and, honestly, I was desperate to give anything a go. Turned out, it was exactly what I needed.
Our sessions were practical and focussed on values, needs, boundaries, problem-solving. With each weekly session, I became more much confident in my decision-making and navigating conflict in my relationships.
Long story short, I decided not to run away to France. Instead, I stayed put, worked on myself, built my savings and my career. My coach noted how energised I was from our sessions and suggested I had the temperament to be a coach or therapist myself. Suddenly, it felt like a new path was opening up before me.
Since then, I’ve done two levels of counselling/psychotherapy training and a diploma in coaching and mentoring. I have a lot of thoughts about the field of coaching and therapy, which I’ll probably explore in a separate post. But overall, I’ve learnt a huge amount from these experiences. Among the most prominent things I learnt were tools to challenge negative thinking and limiting beliefs - things I’ve struggled with as someone who naturally leans more anxious.
What are limiting beliefs?
Limiting beliefs are the perceptions and thoughts you have about yourself, others, and the world, which may be preventing you from doing something that you’re actually quite capable of. Everybody has limiting beliefs! For example: “I’m not good at public speaking, therefore I’m going to be rubbish at this presentation”. Or: “I’m an awkward person, so I’m probably not going to make any friends in this new city”.
It’s been a little while since I’ve done coaching/therapy training (I’ve put this side quest on pause for now) so I hadn’t realised that I’d slipped back into the habit of limiting beliefs and negative self-talk, focussed mainly around the tight job market and cost of living crisis (which, let’s be honest, are valid concerns). More than that, I’d forgotten that I now have tools to combat these limiting beliefs!
Feeling stuck? Ask yourself a ‘magic question’
One such tool is a ‘magic question’. These are questions that stimulate imagination and creativity, cutting through the surface layer of BS to get to the heart of your deeper, more intuitive self. The answers to these questions are very telling and worth paying attention to.
I first read about these types of questions in Nancy Kline’s book ‘Time to Think’. There’s a lot of names for them, but she calls them ‘incisive questions’, which is quite a visceral descriptor.
Nancy has a handy little formula for creating good magic (or ‘incisive’) question:
Identify the limiting belief. You can do this by asking yourself: “What’s holding me back? What’s in my face that I’m avoiding? What am I scared of?”
Counter it with an opposite assumption. For example, if the limiting belief is: “I’m not good enough to apply for this job and I will fail”, the counter assumption is: “I am good enough for this job and I will not fail”.
Lastly, formulate the magic question: “If you knew you were good enough and could not fail, what would you do?”
I was feeling quite lost this last week, ruminating over whether or not this sabbatical year will end with me going back to my old job in my hometown. As I was contemplatively eating my pão queijo yesterday, I suddenly remembered the ‘magic question’ formula.
So I got my journal out, poured myself a generous glass of wine and explored the feeling. What came up was interesting:
Question: “If I knew I couldn’t fail, what would I do?”
Answer: “I would get a job working part-time in Lisbon for a social enterprise and stay here for at least a few years. I would attempt to start my own community initiatives in writing, art and wellbeing. I would build a social circle. I would start a family. I would continue to grow my art side hustle, write my articles and train in psychotherapy.”
Now, this isn’t to say that these things will happen. But when you’re feeling lost, stuck or pulled in multiple directions, tapping into your intuition (which is free of fear and doubt) provides very valuable information about what you really want, beneath all the fearful assumptions and negative self-talk.
Of course, this isn’t a silver bullet or a prediction of the future. The answers to magic questions can also shift and evolve over time. I view it as a tool for reflection, for checking in with yourself, the answers providing something of a compass for decision-making.
Other examples of magic questions include:
If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
If you could wave a magic wand and fast forward 1 year, what would your life ideally look like?
If you knew you were good enough as you are, how would you proceed?
If you could see yourself at the end of your life, what would you be glad to have done? What would you regret not doing?
These are also great journal prompts which I plan to explore over the next month.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading! I hope you found this helpful in some way. If you have any experience using magic questions to explore and reflect, I’d love to hear about it.
Rose :)