I left my job 3 months ago. Now I'm learning to build a life that fits
I remember writing a blog post about being in the thick of a ‘quarter-life crisis’. That was two years ago!
When I published the piece on my website, to my captive audience of zero, I felt uneasy. Like labelling my anxiety as a ‘quarter-life crisis’ was indulgent and silly, especially when people have real problems to contend with.
I ended up deleting it a few weeks later.
Recently, my coaching friend Lucia recommended me the book: “Quarter-life: The Search for Early Adulthood” by Satya Doyle Byock. No doubt Lucia was picking up on the (not so subtle) fact that I’m wrestling with decisions at the moment, snared by two opposing inner forces as I navigate my sabbatical year.
I devoured this book in four days (I mean, I had the time). It articulated a tension I’ve been feeling for years, but never quite had the words to describe.
I’ve been in ‘crisis’ for years, apparently
In her book, Satya argues that the ‘quarter-life’ crisis is not only a real thing, but is an actual developmental stage of life. It’s something that everyone experiences in some way or another.
The quarter-life crisis is a period - roughly between adolescence and midlife - of identity formation, emotional separation from family expectations, experimentation and the search for a meaningful adult life. It’s also a time where people experience confusion, anxiety, instability and uncertainty.
I think I’ve been in one since I was 25. For me, that year was a quadruple whammy of lockdowns, moving home, having little money and few friends.
Fast forward to 2024, and things had improved. Lockdown had lifted. I’d gotten into a new relationship, had more friends and a better job. Now that things were more stable, I felt able to experiment and figure out what I wanted. I’d been taking courses, doing creative projects, building healthy habits and routines.
While things were going well, I felt a consistent undertow of anxiety. I was 29 and drifting towards the traditional path of settling down, while inwardly questioning if that path was even ‘right’ for me.
Being on an amazing trip to Switzerland in 2024, but secretly feeling very lost
In her book, Satya talks about how adulthood isn’t as simple as hitting milestones like graduating, getting a stable job, finding a partner, buying a house and having kids.
Because why do so many people achieve these goals yet still feel empty or disconnected, while others reject conventional paths but still feel aimless and unstable?
The two ‘types’ of people in quarter-life
Satya describes two broad personality categories: stability types and meaning types.
Basically, ‘stability types’ prioritise structure, achievement and approval. ‘Meaning types’ prioritise freedom, creativity, adventure or self-expression.
Stability types can appear successful on paper but feel emotionally stifled and trapped. Meaning types can appear to have fun, full lives, but may feel listless and untethered, or struggle with things like consistency, commitment or direction.
I’d argue that it’s more of a spectrum than two binary categories. In comparison to themselves, I’m sure some friends would consider me a stability type, while to others, I would definitely be a meaning type, and vice versa. Though I do think it’s possible to have a natural tendency towards one category or the other.
A symbiotic relationship
As Satya underscores in her book, the key thing is that it’s not about choosing one over the other. It’s about finding a balance between the two that works for you.
In other words, we humans need both stability and meaning in order to build a life that feels purposeful and authentic.
They may feel like opposites, but they actually complement each other. Stability often comes first (basic needs like food, shelter, routine) but is a great container for meaning - like the “goblet that holds the wine”.
Creating balance
Satya says that there are four elements to building an authentic life - i.e. finding that balance between stability and meaning. She calls these the ‘4 pillars of growth’.
1. Separate
You start questioning pre-determined scripts or assumptions you have for your life. These life scripts are formed subconsciously in childhood and influenced by our caregivers and experiences. For many, the script tells us to get the degree, the good job, the perfect partner, the big house, and so on.
But as you tick off each of the things, you still feel hollow. Your thinking shifts from ‘what should I be doing?’ to ‘what do I want to be doing?’
2. Listen
You begin to question things. You become more aware of what’s going on inside - your true desires, values and passions.
This bit can actually be really scary and painful. Because you might not like what you find. It might reveal incompatibilities between your inner self and your current reality that require change, small or large - the large being possibly a career pivot, a break up, or a big move. Our quarter-life years tend to have a lot of instability as a result.
3. Build
Satya says that once you have more clarity about what you want, you can start to lay the foundation of a life that’s more aligned with your inner self.
This isn’t necessarily as dramatic as breaking off your relationship and moving to a new country. It’s lots of small, consistent actions that move you towards the person you want to be.
“Building the life one wants requires consistency, focus and pushing through fatigue or internal limitations. It often requires long-term commitments. The work is monotonous and difficult - but it is this work that may truly bring change and transform an entire personality too.”
A solid foundation makes it easier to take risks and make sustainable changes. Satya writes that once basic survival needs have been met, the function of stability is to serve meaning, lest your life start to feel hollow.
Working on your physical and mental health is a great place to start, I think. From there, stability types might take small steps towards following their passions. Meaning types might learn to be more comfortable with commitment and structure. It’s small actions that compound over time to make real, deep change.
4. Integrate
Satya is clear that the goal is not to choose stability OR meaning, but rather to choose the amount of each element that feels authentic and healthy for us, rather than blindly following a prescribed script for our lives.
It’s possible to curate a life that reflects our insides on the outside - a life that feels purposeful and yours. It’ll never be perfect, of course, but we can try to be intentional about it and recognise the wins as they happen.
So… how’s that all going?
Reading Satya’s book, I realised that I’d been following a script of ‘shoulds’ - go to uni, get good grades, get a job - followed by a period of intense meaning and freedom of moving abroad alone.
The subsequent post-pandemic years had been about ‘building’ relationships, healthy habits, and financial security. My job eventually gave me the stability to start ‘integrating’ meaningful things like creative projects, further education and volunteering into my life outside of work.
2024 came some hardcore ‘separating’ and ‘listening’ as I tried to parse out if I wanted to go down the marriage-house-kids pipeline. Thankfully, my intuition told me I did want marriage and a family unit, which was compatible with my current circumstances. But it was also clear I needed a big change.
Thanks to some intense ‘building’, I was in a position to take the sabbatical and really prioritise ‘meaning’. Right now, I’m feeling fairly integrated between stability (mostly thanks to my savings and having a partner) and meaning (having the time and resources to pursue my passions).
Life changes and throws you curveballs, of course, and so the balance of stability and meaning will be ever-shifting. As you can probably tell from the above, the process of growth that Satya describes isn’t linear, either - it’s iterative, a constant evolution.
Remember how far you’ve come!
No one has it all figured out
Ultimately, life isn’t about smashing through a series of milestones, becoming totally ‘healed’ or being ‘perfect’. It’s about gradually becoming more authentic and creating a life that feels both secure and meaningful to you.
No one knows what they’re doing. The feeling of being lost - as well as the tension between stability and meaning - is something that will probably never go away. Maybe it’s a necessary part of life. But I do know that I’m learning and growing despite it.
Are you a stability or meaning type? Do you think this typing or the ‘pillars of growth’ are helpful? I’d love to hear from you.
Until next time,
Rose :)